Big News: Jesus is Back

Even Bigger News: Jesus has a mullet.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to share the good word with you. Jesus is back, and if you're a female between the ages of 18 and 29, you can be a part of this glorious experience and join his ministry!

I was riding the train home from work on Friday evening, when a man carrying a sign that said "Earth Angel" boarded my car. He didn't look homeless or unkempt, the mullet aside. But he was nuttier'n a fruitcake, that's for sure. As soon as the doors swooshed shut, he launched into his speech. I didn't hear the first part, as my iPod was turned up, but when a quiet song came on, I got to hear all about the Good News.

Now, according to our little be-mulleted friend, he is the one and only earth angel to ever exist. J.C. in the flesh. He wants to take us all to heaven with him - well, by all, I mean any fairly attractive female between the ages of 18 and 29. "If you are even five minutes over the age of 29, you can't join." For some reason this seemed to genuinely offend some of the older female passengers, as if they were seriously considering joining for a second there. Hey guys, don't get touchy, them's the rules. He didn't make 'em, but he's got to enforce them.

I got off the train at the next stop, grateful to be leaving Mr. Christ on Earth behind. And that's when I realized he was right behind me, still preaching away. I headed for my bus stop, to take the bus across town, and he was just a few steps behind. The bus and I arrived at the stop at the same time, and I jumped to the front of the line, hoping the preacher man wouldn't follow. I found a seat next to someone else, preventing him from sitting next to me if he did decide to board. He stood outside, staring in while everyone stepped on, and just before the driver pulled away, he decided I wasn't a lost soul afterall and hopped on.

I stared out the window, and he continued to preach in my general direction. At this point I started to get a little nervous. Was this guy actually following me? What should I do if he follows me off the bus? Why oh why didn't I have mace? Can you actually mace someone just for following you around? Please don't let me be murdered by a man with a mullet who thinks he's Jesus! [Oh the humiliation!]

I decided to get off at the stop before mine, as it's a little busier. And the preacher man followed. Thoroughly freaked out at this point I turned around and practically screamed that I was going to call the police if he didn't stop following me. Apparently Mr. Earth Angel isn't afraid for his immortal soul, but he is afraid of the NYPD. He backed off, cursing me as he did so, and saying he was just trying to save me. Like I'm the asshole in this situation.

I didn't go immediately home, but walked around the block a few times, checking to make sure he wasn't around before I went into my building. Hey, I might be headed to hell in a hand basket, but I certainly don't want to arrive there any sooner than necessary, and certainly not at the hands of a be-mulleted subway preacher.

Ah, only in New York, my friends. Only in New York.